Friday, February 27, 2009

friday february 27 2009

well, this is where i would tell you to go grab yourselves a delicious dr pepper over ice and sit for a moment. because this is going to be a long one.

but since i'm not drinking dr pepper these days. honestly, i don't know what to tell you to do. so how about i not tell you to do anything. but read. if you're interested.

i do feel i owe a disclaimer. this will be long. and probably won't make much sense. because i'm in a bit of daze. and because i KNOW it won't make sense, it might be easier to write anyway.

i'm not going to tell you the events of the day. shocker. i'm spicing it up a bit tonight. and it's rich. and heavy. and deep? i know. can you believe it? i'm going to the leave the comic comfort zone for a minute. or twelve.

i may have mentioned that at the end of 2008, i decided i wanted a change. i didn't know what that meant. i just knew that God was going to do big things either IN me or THROUGH me. or both.

and i told a lot of people about it. because i was so excited. i hadn't felt this way in a long time. i chose not to document any of my new years' resolutions here. because honestly, i was afraid of failure. and accountability does quite a number on me. i DESPISE letting people down.

so i told buz that the december 2008 janet was not content with staying the same and didn't want to recognize the december 2009 janet. again, not sure what that meant. i'm all about being vague. or mysterious. whichever sounds cooler.

buz wasn't sure what i meant either. and i couldn't describe it to him. i could only tell him that i wanted change. and i didn't want to let life go by and miss it. so i started making a master to-do list. a huge, HUGE list. and i started giving dates to the things i actually wanted to accomplish. but i felt like Satan was attacking me with all sorts of fear. (see, i told you i was going deeper than normal. and hold on. i've just begun.) i know that fear is not of God. so i was determined not to let it get the best of me.

one thing i wanted to do was get a website up and running. but i was afraid. do i have any idea what i'm doing? what in the world do i need a website for? my stuff is not as good as anything out there. i am mediocre. i am average. i just "think" i take decent photographs. these ideas kept pelting me in the face. but because my husband loves me and God loves me, buz kept suggesting it. and suggesting it. and so i gave myself a deadline for having one up. and it was february 1 2009. and i got up. but i haven't put it anywhere. haven't told anyone about it. because of fear. and so tonight, i introduce you to...

there. i did it. i accomplished something big. and i SO want to give you all kinds of disclaimers about how not perfect it is and how i know you know plenty of other really talented photographers that are so much better than me. but i'm not going to do it. (even though i really want to.) i'm just going to put it out there and feel confident that i have a love. and i have put a name on it. there.

another thing i was stressing about was how undisciplined i was. exercise. fun things with my kids. fun things with buz. eating. reading. etc.

and so i started thinking about the lent season. and decided, "darnit, i'm going to give up dr pepper." and then the reality set in. and i was just SURE i couldn't do it. and i told myself over and over again that there was no way. but today is day three. and i am doing it. one day at a time. (i know you're probably thinking, 'um, it's just soda.' um, it is not just soda. trust me.) but it is not me doing it. it is the Lord at work in my life. teaching me discipline and self-control. it is also teaching me that when i really want one, i think of what Jesus did for me. and i remember why i'm doing this in the first place.

i love exercising. but i have given myself all sorts of excuses why i couldn't exercise. we don't belong to a gym. the rec center that we could join doesn't have childcare. i couldn't go once buz got home because it was nighttime and dark, and he didn't feel like that was safe. neither of my kids will ride in a stroller anymore. but i told myself, i needed to enjoy fresh air and get my body moving again. so i have taken time out of "me time" to walk/run the neighborhood while my kids are in school. ironically enough, i said i was taking time out of "me time" even though i love being out walking or running. shouldn't that be considered me time? and you know what? it's God working through me. because it would be really easy to drop my kids off and come home and do nothing or go run a bunch of errands and kill time. but surprisingly, i have done it. i realize it's only twice a week. but it's two more times than i was doing anything at all.

why am i writing all of this? i went to a women's "celebrate life" event tonight at a local church. and i'll be honest, i was SO not excited about going. i was going with a friend who had invited ten of her other friends. so i wasn't going to know anyone. and i had no idea what it would involve. but i went because i paid my money. and because it meant that buz would put the kids to bed. c'mon. don't judge.

but what happened? it changed my life. it was incredible. i tried so hard to explain it to buz. but i couldn't get the words out the way they were in my head and heart. i hate when that happens. so it's 130am, and i can't sleep. i have to get this out.

the speaker was good. but the worship leader knocked my socks off. and i haven't had this happen in a long time.

the friend i went with is not much of a touchy feely person. and God SO knew i needed that. He knew i needed Him. and Him only. i didn't need to share my experience with a person. i needed to share it with my Savior.

this gal was incredibly talented. her passion for her music was contagious. but the moment when God reached down and grabbed hold of me was when she was telling the story of her song, "daughter of the King." she spoke of how she felt dirty and completely unworthy. and she was able to share with Satan, "um, no. i am not dirty. i am redeemed by my Father. and i am a beautiful daughter of the King." she went on to share stories and did so very eloquently. she talked of lies that Satan continuously told her. but to be honest, i don't remember a lot of what else she said. i just remember literally FEELING God touch me. and say, "listen, janet. listen. because i am speaking through her directly to YOU."

oh my word. it was incredible. again, it was awesome because He knew i didn't need a verbal touchy feely friend there to talk about this with. i needed Him. only Him.

and i felt that feeling again of "2009 is going to be a great year full of wonderful changes." i want to be passionate for Jesus. i want to live my life for Him for all to see. especially my husband and my children. i want to make my life count. i want Him to be glorified.

i don't know what this looks like. but i know that i am pumped. pumped about not having fear. pumped about feeling confident in Him. pumped about not being jealous of whatever. jealous of other individuals' talents, money, or status. being content in the life i'm leading right now. right here. and hopefully glorifying Him.

are you still with me? well, bless you.

you know i'm going to leave you with pictures. but thanks for letting me put my heart out there. to get these thoughts and feelings on "paper." i have an excitement in my soul right now that i absolutely CANNOT describe.

what am i thankful for today? seriously? no question. Christ dying on the cross so that i could be a beautifully redeemed daughter of the King.

(i SO wish i could find the lyrics to that song. but please. go listen to it. it's breathtaking.)

oops. i posted the pictures on another post. will publish them by themselves.


Marina said...

So Glad 2009- is inspiring you and for that matter all us readers. I couldn't agree more- in our case just trusting in the Lord has led us on a great adventure:)

Kelly from Montana said...

I LOVE YOU! I love what He is doing thru you!!! This is so what I have wanted for you my friend for oh sooooo long! may He continue to bless your beautiful heart!!! said...

janet your portfolio is awe-some! i can't believe you haven't posted these before to show your god-given talent off to the internets!!

Colored With Memories said...

i know the lord will do many exciting things in you and through you in 2009...thanks for letting us in on it!

off to check out your exciting!

Colored With Memories said...

just back from your new site...

so glad you came out of hiding!

gorgeous stuff!

Jeff and Steph said...

Wow. Love your website. Love the logo. Love your shots!!!

Holli B said...

Can I just say how proud I am of you? I think you are looking more and more like Janet2009 every day then that old janet2008.
SO glad we are friends!
Holli B

HOlli B said...

Oh, and every time I read your blog I get just a tad bit mad at myself for not taking more pics of my kids or being very funny :) You are awesome!!!

Anonymous said...

Awesome, Janet!!!

R said...

way to go for being aware to the Holy Spirit's leading! this is so encouraging to me. there are things that i feel like the Lord's leading me to do too, but i always balk at it and don't do them because i don't think i'm good enough. :0) thanks for the inspiration!

windyday said...

I sooo feel you girl, and all the LORD is stirring in you! Press in to it! Much love

Kelly said...

So sorry I am just now getting this awesome post read! I am so happy that you put your website out there. Why? Because it is awesome and everyone should get to see how fabulously talented you are.

That sounds like an amazing experience at the worship service. I have had similar experiences in church where I knew that God was speaking directly to me. I love it when it happens. Now, if I could just always listen and remember what He tells me, life would be a little easier, I am sure.

Janet2009 is going to accomplish BIG things. I know it. Glad I get to be along for the ride and see it happen.

Life In Progress said...

Well, I've made no secret of the fact that I think your photographs are STUNNING! And so is your new website......

So glad 2009 is shaping up to be a great year for you. You deserve it in so many ways.

Laci said...

Super encouraged by this post. Thanks for leaving your comfort zone and blessing me today.

Sarah said...

Hey sassy. Love you. And your passion for Jesus. Check out my post about marriage. I have a feeling 2009 is gonna be BIG, Big baby!