on the eve of kindergarten

*hold, please. i need some kleenex.

hi. i'm janet. i'm that girl. the girl who rolled her eyes at all of the people who said, "time flies when your children are young. you will want the time back. you will miss being needed. blah blah blah."

they would tell me these things when big h's diaper rash was so bad that we had to take him to the ER for bleeding. or when my friend weentrab had to take her child and child's friend (who just so happened to my friend sarah's kid) home because big h screamed so loud in their faces. or when big h went through years of speech therapy, occupational therapy, and (ahem) behavior therapy. and i would cry myself to sleep at night.

because people, life was hard. it was. and in the moment, i couldn't imagine that life would ever get easier. and i realized life doesn't get easier. but those moments pass. when my great-aunt lucy used to say, "this too shall pass, " frankly, it annoyed me. and when my dad would say, "janet, this (really yucky/frustrating/disappointing) thing will build your character," i would roll my eyes and feel anger towards him.

but tonight? all of those things make sense?

because tomorrow? my little man is going to kindergarten.

(consider yourself warned: i am fully aware that my feelings are a 'tad' on the dramatic side. *cough cough*)

someone said the other day that sending their first to kindergarten was like putting them on a one-way train to 12th grade. and i have to be honest, i feel the same way. i look at him in two different ways. on one hand, he looks so grown up lately. his hair looks different. NONE of his clothes fit because dude has been going through a 'bit' of a growth spurt. new shoes. different looking fingers. (i know...fingers? what in the world?) he just looks big lately. like he's ready. on the other hand, when i took him to meet his teacher on friday, he looked like he was eighteen months old in a sea of high school juniors. everything seemed overwhelming to me. he will use the restroom down the hall from his actual classroom. the water fountain is also down the hall. he has a LOCKER. mind you, there is no combination or aynthing. but it is metal. just like the ones i had in high school. he was elated because peter parker (of spiderman) has a locker in the old spiderman cartoons. big h thought he was hot snot. and i was doing fine. just trying to be attentive. answer any questions for him. of course, he had none.

and then.

it hit me. like a ton of bricks.

the cafeteria.

people, do you know how HUGE an elementary school cafeteria is? well, i'll tell you. it's enourmous. gigantic. bigger than anything i've ever seen before. and picturing big h in there? with absolutely NO ONE he knows? just about did me in.

so we finished our morning of meeting the teacher and touring the school. and i wanted to do something special for him. and since it was day one of tax free weekend, i offered to get him something new. and he chose...underwear. i love that kid. transformers, batman, spiderman and his amazing friends. and he was elated and couldn't wait to tell dad and goo. and surprisingly, goo was so pumped for him.

as a bold statement, yesterday was one of the best days i've ever had as a parent. all four of us went swimming. we ordered a pizza while we were at the pool. we had such a great time. we came home, took naps, and when everyone got up, we headed to a mall. one that is fun for everyone. we walked around different stores just playing and enjoying one another. we had dinner there. and just had a great time being together. they both went to sleep almost immediately. and buz and i talked most of the night. i know it doesn't sound like much, but it really was one of the best days for our family.

so tonight, i'm trying to mentally prepare for tomorrow. big h and i are going to walk to his school together. goo won't be up yet (that should be interesting the rest of the year), and daddy is going to stay home in the morning. so it will just be the two of us. surely, i can keep it together, right? surely.

(but don't think for a minute i don't want to do a video montage to "find your wings" by mark harris. refraining. you're welcome.)

dear big h,

wow. tomorrow is a big day. for you. for me. for daddy. and oh my, for goo. i can't believe it. you're starting kindergarten. i've been dreaming of and dreading this day for almost six years. and i can't believe it's finally here. i have been praying non-stop for you and this transition. this transition of being at a new school. where you don't know anyone. i pray that your personality would shine through. that other kids would be drawn to you. that they would be drawn to your heart. your kindess. your sensitivity. i pray that others wouldn't take advantage of that sensitivity. that God would immediately bring a boy or girl right into your life. a friend who either knows Jesus or is learning about Him. i pray that you would make good decisions. i pray that you would show respect to your teacher, Mrs. B. i pray that you would encourage her and that she would encourage you. i pray that God would give you an amazing first day. the kind that sparks a love for learning. i know these things are lofty, but our God is so big. so strong and so mighty. there's nothing our God will not do. huh? :)

i love you, little buddy. i pray that i will see a HUGE smile when i come to get you tomorrow afternoon. i pray that your zest for life will be contagious. God has created in you an amazing heart and spirit. i pray others notice. i pray that you are kind to the children that you meet and show them Jesus.

big h, i love you and am so proud of you. go get 'em, dude.

love, mama