motherhood 101

you may want to grab a cup of coffee or a dr. pepper. this may take some time.

first of all, i'm sure all 3 of you have been waiting on the EDGE OF YOUR CHAIR to find out the update of henry's first mommy-less playdate. however, i couldn't bring myself to write about it in my state of mind the last 3 days. but now that i am in better spirits about my son, i can bring you the latest WONDERFUL report of big h. i arrived at CJ's house very refreshed and ready to start the weekend. she proceeded to inform me that "henry is such a well-behaved and sweet-spirited little boy." i'm sorry, what did you say? she told me that he was so great at sharing. she said he had incredible manners and that he said please and thank you the entire time he was there. he was fascinated with CJ's baby sister who just turned one (not surprising). he ate his entire lunch. (what?) and he told her that he had just gone potty and needed to have his diaper changed.

what?

a first. a first. incredible.

i was beaming from ear to ear to hear such a great report from CJ's mom and was so excited that he had done so well. and funny -- CJ had to be put into time out while big h was there, and he asked CJ's mommy what time out was. :) classic. i'm sure she's like, "what an angel. this boy doesn't even know what a time out is." no, his mom doesn't mess around with the time outs, she just goes straight to the spank or ignore tactics. but love it that she thought he didn't know what it meant to be in trouble. bless her heart. then, she asked me if i thought the goo was going to be my "wild child" or "temper girl?" i asked why, and she proceeds to tell me that CJ was such a mischievous little boy and had such a temper, and h was so mild-mannered. i'm literally on the floor laughing. ON THE FLOOR. again, bless her heart. so i replied with, "yeah, you just come to our house next time with our toys and play on our soil. blood will be shed. you will see a different side of henry." but all in all, i was so proud of him. so as a reward (don't laugh), he didn't have to take a bath on friday night. i know. rewards for my kid have to do with hygiene. gross. but that's just the way he is. for some reason, we didn't think through one of our mottos that we learned early on with big h. "if you want henry to do something, never, NEVER stop doing it. not even for a day." we forgot. guess who pitched the grand mal fit on saturday night at bathtime? we're idiots, i tell you. idiots. and sunday night. and a less intense one last night. UGH!

my kid has issues with all sorts of things that never cease to amaze us. they come and go and come again. currently, one of our strongest is the transition from clothing to jammies and from jammies to clothing. when we are ready to go somewhere in the morning, he whines so much about putting on his clothes. i mean, this is a daily beating for me. greta lays on the floor next to us patiently wondering what in the heck someone did to her poor brother. nothing, greta. nothing. clothes, henry. all we are doing is putting on clothes. and we put them on EVERY morning. these are not daily surprises that i am springing on you. *big sigh*

so we fought through the clothing battle and got in the car with all of our toys, including the kitchen sink. who says boys don't have security blankets, of sorts. henry has a security toy of the day.

we turn into the parking lot of school, and he is mumbling under his breath, "i not want to go to cool. i not want to go to cool." *big sigh* something big is probably coming.

i go to get him out. mind you, it is freezing. not figuratively speaking. it is literally freezing outside. not that i minded one little bit because that meant winter janet was wearing a sweater. praise jesus. anyhoo. i put his shoes and socks on. (those are always the last to go on.) and i get him unbuckled. i walk around the car to get the goo out of her car seat base. thank the Lord that she is still in her infant carseat or i would have had a nervous breakdown. i come back around, and henry has taken his shoes and socks back off and has buckled his seat belt. Lord help him. so i proceed to "help" him do these tasks ever so gently. we are kicking and screaming the whole way to the front door of the school. i had had it. i sat him down on the concrete with the goo actively catching a cold and let him know that he had two choices, both consisted of going to school. we could STOP CRYING and go inside and have fun or we could go to the car and calm down and have a talk and STOP CRYING and then go inside and have fun. he didn't make a choice. so i made it for him. we went to the car, and i all but threw the goo back in the car seat base. (at this point, she's wondering if this is what life is going to be like when she gets to be henry's age.) i proceeded to tell henry that mommy and daddy worked very hard (actually just daddy works) to give him this wonderful opportunity. i actually went so far as to tell him that there are kids who don't get to go to school. (i'm trying not to laugh.) he has friends who will miss him. he has teachers who will have 1 less child to love on. and jesus wants him at school to learn more about him. (yes, i went there.) so "we" calmed and went inside. i felt obligated to tell his teachers that we were late in the mornings because that is when most of our "teachable moments" happened. they're listening to my story and looking at my kids' tear-stained face. hmmm.

but finally, we were together, just the goo and me. we headed for weentrab's house to pick up some things and have a quick bite to eat. then, we headed to the hospital to visit sweet elizabeth's new baby...coleman charles byrd. adorable.

and here is where i failed at motherhood 101. i'm thinking about not writing it, but i can't not because i would feel sorry for someone like me if this happened to anyone other than me. i consider myself pretty prepared most of the time. i get to elizabeth's hospital room. ever since i had henry, i try REALLY hard not to take henry or now greta to the hospital room so thenew baby can be the center of attention, and none of the attention is on either of my children. well, right now, that is kind of next to impossible. so instead, i try to go at one of the goo's best times so she's quiet and rested and just cute to look at. so she's getting a little fussy, and i KNOW she's hungry, but i don't want to leave elizabeth's room yet because we are having such a great time together. so i ask if i can feed greta in her room. not nurse greta. feed greta. she's all for it because we're having a great conversation. i get greta out of her car seat, and up her ENTIRE BACK is a LIFE SIZE poop stain. nice. perfect. there is no way i can divert this from ANYONE'S attention. this is big. i am mortified. elizabeth, in her southern hospitable way, was saying i could borrow her ONE-DAY-OLD's new shirt. i'm sorry, are you kidding me? your kid was literally born yesterday! i am not going to borrow it for my five-month-old. plus, it won't fit anyway. so, i just feed her while she's soaking wet. vomit. she eats great. then, i try and figure out how in the world i will change her without getting poop in her hair. this is disgusting. and i look down to see the goo just laying on elizabeth's bed smiling from ear to ear. i love this girl. so in true white trash fashion, i leave her bib on, without a shirt, and put her pants back on. and mind you, she's got her ski cap on because it is, after all, freezing outside. (see picture. i am STILL appalled at myself.)



we pick up henry at school, and i am in much better spirits. he is excited to see me. i love that. greta doesn't have a shirt on. so i tell him that on our way home, we are going to stop at the grocery store because i need to get a couple of things. he tells me that he needs to get something for baby and something for him. toys, he means. oh my, he is so spoiled. so we arrive at wal-mart. why, oh, why did i pick wal-mart? why not kroger or my local tom thumb? we walk in and he immediately recognizes that "this is the store with the new doc!!" (from the cars movie. dad got him a toy the other day. dad caved.) so we get all of our items. and he is still requesting to go see the new doc. i, like an idiot parent who failed motherhood 101, replied with, "we can go look at the new doc, but we are not buying him." my kid is 3. does he have the capability to go and say, "yep, that's him. i'll just wait?" so because i have been stressing about the whole potty training concept (my kid turned 3 in october, and doesn't do a pull up, big boy underwear, nothing), i decided to try something. i told him we could get the new doc but we could only get him out of the box after he had gone pee pee in the potty. he said ok.

long story short. he wanted to just sit on the little potty in the living room and watch cars. so classy. my kid on the john in the living room. (sidenote, our "living room" hasn't been a living room since big h was born, so i've kind of given up anyway.) dad comes home wondering what in the world his son is doing sitting on the toilet in the middle of the living room watching a movie. i take him to the back to explain said situation, and all of the sudden, i hear, "mommy, i did it. i did it!" i go in there and lo and behold, there is urine in the pot of the little potty. at this moment, i'm almost crying. i hug him like he's just accepted Jesus into his heart. and he wants to go pour the pee pee into the big potty. we do that, flush, and he wants to wash his hands with soap, and "get um ree-yee keen, mommy." i'm still crying. we go back in the living room, and he says in that sweet little henry voice, "mommy, please you open my new doc now?"

i tell him that from now on, everytime he goes pee pee in the potty, he can have some eggs treats. (translation: peanut m 'n' m's.) so when his movie is almost over, he says, "mommy, i went again." i'm like, "yeah, right," and there it is -- pee pee in that potty again! (i know...you're thinking, "janet, you have GOT to get out more.") and of course, i didn't think he would go again, so we don't have any peanut m 'n' m's, so i ask if he wants to go with me to the store to get some, and he was all pumped about. we take his bath, which was not trying at all tonight. praise the Lord. and when he gets out of the bath, he says that he would like some more eggs treats. i proceed to tell him that eggs treats are only for when we go pee pee in the potty. "oh, ok mommy." he marches his naked little 3-year-old body into the living room (nice.) and goes pee pee. shock has overcome my whole body. so, of course, the kid gets the m 'n' m's.







(pictures to document my child having NO PROBLEM sitting on the toilet watching his shows. oh, and you can't see anything private in this picture. no worries. excuse the insane amount of clutter. yuck. and these aren't the finest pictures ever taken, but hopefully you get it.)

i barely remember why i was mad earlier.

and the last big monumental event of the day. you say, "can there be more?" oh yes. i'm wearing my wedding rings again. so? well, when i nurse, i can't wear my wedding rings because they dig into either henry or greta's skin. well, this morning marked the last morning i will ever nurse a baby. i'm sad about it. i won't lie. but i am less stressed. and it is for the best for both of us.