on the eve of the last day of kindergarten

oh my goodness.

tomorrow. june 4 2010.

is my little man's last day of kindergarten.

(prepare yourself. i have a tendency to be a *bit* dramatic. easy, buz.)

i was a mess today. this morning was big h's kindergarten graduation. i know. kindergarten. puh-lease. i used to be that mom who said to herself, "whatever. preschool graduation. kindergarten graduation? give me a break. that is ridiculous."

again. here i am at that point SO GLAD they had their little graduation.

because this picture?

well, it just about DID. ME. IN.

didn't i just deliver him? wasn't he just pitching a fit outside the lame music class at the local rec center? wasn't i just sitting with him learning how to write his letters?

and now he's walking down a center aisle of a cute, little elementary cafeteria-turned-auditorium to pomp and circumstance with an ENORMOUS grin on his face.

and i held it together. i didn't do the ugly cry. i DID, however, do the almost cry. and i looked at the front of the room and watched his teacher, mrs. b, and i marveled at what a year this has been.

for six and a half years now, buz and i have been praying for big h. for all sorts of things. for his future wife. for when he'll truly meet Jesus and ask Him to be his Savior. for what his overall character will look like. but we've prayed very specifically for his first school friend. and for his first teacher. and by first school friend and teacher, i mean school. not mothers' day out. not preschool. but hard core school. i've always known i wouldn't homeschool. and we've certainly known that unless God performed a modern day miracle, our children wouldn't go to private school. so public school it was.

FYI: public school requires a lot of faith and trust.

and i've had so much fear. so much anxiety. and so i've prayed so diligently that the Lord would wrap His enormous arms around my little man and around my heart.

and that He did.

first of all, big h had a rough start to school. was picked on a little bit. was teased a little bit. pegged in the face with sticks. (nice. not sure the last time i've seen buz that angry.) but we had a little meeting with his God-send teacher, mrs. b, about our frustrations and our worries and our concerns. and our desire to partner with her in advocating on his behalf.

and one of the main things that stuck out is when she said, "let him know that i am his safe person. i am here to hear all of the scary things about school. i want him to tell me anything he's worried about. i want him to tell me anything he's excited about. i want him to feel safe with me."

that phrase has been a cornerstone for him this year.

and when she said he could tell her anything...well, he took that quite literally. she knew when we had chipotle. she knew when goo and i went to get pedicures. she knew when we went to visit my parents. she knew when we ordered pizza on friday nights and watched movies. everything. and big h is like his mama...he's a details kid. :)

bless her heart.

moment of silence for what a rock star she is.

oh, and the icing on the cake? yeah, we found out she knows Jesus.

hand clapping right now.

so throughout this past year, she has truly been big h's safe person. he trusts her like family, respects her like family, loves her like family. and he actually asked her over for dinner, but i was worried that was crossing the line.

she and i have had so many wonderful conversations. about him. about her. about goo. (she swears she won't retire until she has goo. i continually ask her if she's up to the challenge.)

to say we've been blessed is quite the understatement.

AND we prayed for at least ONE friend. and one friend he got. oh my word, he ADORES his best buddy. it just so happens that his mom is the first person who spoke to me at school. i was coming out of the classroom on day 2, and she asked me which child was mine. i told her, and she introduced herself. little did we know that our boys would be the best of friends. and he is an amazing kid. loves big h. big h LOVES him. and they don't get into trouble. they don't argue. they just talk legos and star wars. and this summer, they get to go to lego camp together.

thank you, Jesus, for the provisions this year.

dear big h,

i can't even begin to describe the feelings going on inside me today. so hard to believe that tomorrow is your last day of kindergarten. i could not be more FULL OF PRIDE as i am right now. what an incredible young man you are. you are a leader. one of our rules at the beginning of school was, "you don't have to be friends with everyone, but you have to be friendly to everyone." and you really took that straight to heart.

every morning, at 725am, you and i set out the front door for school, two blocks away. and it was definitely one of two of my favorite times of the day. it was just the two of us. we would talk about what you were going to do that day. what your job would be. who you'd play with. what field trip you'd go on. what super hero you'd pretend to be at recess. if mrs. b would be there or not. and if she wasn't there, we would wonder where she would be. we would get to the corner where the school was, and we'd take the "short cut." which is funny because it's not shorter at all. it's just the wheelchair ramp, and you thought it was cool to go that way. and i would go with you because, well, that was more time with you. we'd get to the end of the ramp, and i'd say "you wanna start or finish?" and either you'd start by praying or you'd finish by adding your two cents and saying amen. we'd get to the front door, say amen, and i'd say every morning, "i love you buddy. i'm proud of you. have a great day. i can't wait until 245." and you'd hug and kiss me back and say, "love you mom." and then, i'd watch you walk into school with a huge smile on your face and say hello to all of the staff members who happen to be outside in the morning. and i'd walk home being so grateful that we're pals. that i got to have those ten minutes with you. those precious ten minutes.

and then, to be honest, some days would DRAG on. and i literally couldn't wait until 245.

i'd get there early. and i would stand by that tree, hoping not to sweat, and be ready. and everyday, that door would open, and i'd see your face, and you'd run out to me and almost plow me over with your huge hug. (i'll admit it -- i cried on the first day when you ran out there. i couldn't believe how much i'd missed you.) lately, i turn a little bit because you come at me at full speed, and doodle (the baby in my tummy) takes a quick punch to the gut if i don't turn. :) but he/she doesn't mind. and neither do i. and sometimes mrs. b would be at the door, and we'd talk. which was always a highlight of my day. and on days that goo was in school, she'd come with me to get you. and you'd run straight to her (who was usually dressed in some form of costume -- can't imagine how embarrassed you must have been). and others would comment on how neat that was. and i would beam. we'd either walk to the car or walk home. and i would say everyday, "man, i missed you buddy. how was your day???" and you'd respond with "good." and i used to think that's all i would get. but if i was patient enough, i'd get a play-by-play. and while you were giving it to me, i'd text dad with, "if i forget...the best part of my day is happening right now."

you learned so much this year. you learned how to make all your lowercase letters. really well. you learned to read. you learned to do math. you learned to do story/word problems. you loved going to art, music, and PE. you are such a rule follower that you never once didn't wear your tennis shoes because "mom, you have to wear tennis shoes at PE, and what if we went to PE and i was wearing my crocs??" :)

you wrote in a journal. you were kind to "friends" who weren't kind back. you had a great relationship with mrs. b. she thinks you're hot snot. you made friends well. you talked about legos nonstop. you developed a love for star wars.

i can't begin to tell you how proud i am of you. what an amazing kid you are. God has designed with such a unique purpose, and i love watching you think and care and learn. i consider it a true joy to get to be your mom. thank you. i hope tomorrow's a great day for you.

sweet mrs. b. um, LOVE her.

your best buddy.

you reading the Bible to goo.

you accepting your citizen of the month award.

when goo and i came up and met you for lunch. (so i don't forget...she was SO INCREDIBLY SAD when we had to leave and you got to stay.)

your super handsome smile. love it so much. see it SO REGULARLY.

the first time i brought you lunch at school.

one of the first times goo came with me to drop you off. she said, "i will miss you a yot. i yub you." and cue my melting heart.